France Surrenders to Particularly Aggressive Baguette

Paris was in chaos today as a particularly aggressive baguette held the city hostage for nearly six hours before being contained by France's elite pastry task force.

The incident began at approximately 9 AM local time when the baguette, described by witnesses as "crusty and extremely confrontational," escaped from a local boulangerie in the 5th arrondissement.

"It just started rolling down the street," recalled witness Pierre Croissant. "At first we thought it was cute, but then it got angry. Very, very angry."

The French military was immediately mobilized, with President Macron declaring a state of emergency. "France has faced many challenges throughout history," he said in an address to the nation. "But never have we faced a foe so... yeasty."

After a tense standoff near the Eiffel Tower, the baguette was finally subdued by members of the GIPN (Groupe d'Intervention de la Patisserie Nationale) using a combination of butter and distraction techniques.

The baguette is currently being held in a humidity-controlled cell and is expected to face charges of assault with a deadly crust.

French bakeries have been ordered to conduct psychological evaluations on all bread products.