Scientists Confirm: Mondays Scientifically Worse Than Previously Thought

A groundbreaking 47-year study involving over 2 million participants has conclusively proven what office workers have long suspected. Lead researcher Dr. Susan Calendar states, "The data is undeniable. Mondays are, in fact, significantly more Monday-ish than any other day."

The study, published in the Journal of Obvious Conclusions, tracked participants' mood levels, productivity, and general will to live across all seven days of the week. The results were staggering.

"We found that Mondays scored a solid -47 on our Happiness Index, while Fridays came in at a respectable +89," explained Dr. Calendar. "Wednesdays, interestingly enough, were completely forgettable."

The research team noted several key findings: - 94% of participants reported feeling "attacked" by their alarm clocks on Monday mornings - Coffee consumption increased by 340% compared to other weekdays - The phrase "I need a vacation" was uttered an average of 47 times per person

Critics have questioned the methodology, but Dr. Calendar remains confident. "Our peer reviewers all agreed with our findings—though notably, we only received reviews on Fridays."

The study recommends a four-day work week, with Mondays being replaced by "Extended Sunday Recovery Day."