Opinion: If Coffee Is Wrong, I Don't Want to Be Right

I'll admit it: I'm writing this with trembling hands. Not from fear, but from my fourth cup of coffee, consumed before 10 AM. And I regret nothing.

There are those who say too much coffee is "bad for you." That "jitters" are "concerning." That "maybe you should see a doctor about your heart rate." To those people, I say: you're just jealous of my productivity.

Since adopting my 8-cups-a-day lifestyle, I have accomplished the following: - Organized my sock drawer by thread count - Learned conversational Klingon - Written 47 emails (all to myself) - Vibrated through a wall

Is this excessive? Perhaps. But consider: without coffee, I would be forced to interact with the world as a normal human being. I would have to experience mornings without chemical assistance. I would have to acknowledge that 6 AM exists.

Some call it addiction. I call it commitment.

My doctor says I need to "cut back." My therapist says I need to "address underlying issues." My barista says I need to "please stop coming in at 5 AM." They're all wrong.

In conclusion, coffee is not just a beverage—it's a way of life. A shaky, anxious, wide-eyed way of life, but a way nonetheless.

Now if you'll excuse me, I need to go reorganize my spice cabinet alphabetically, by country of origin, and by vibrational frequency.