Opinion: My Printer Is Definitely Plotting Against Me

I know how this sounds. "He's paranoid," you're thinking. "Printers are inanimate objects." But I have evidence. Cold, hard evidence that my HP LaserJet 4000 is engaged in a systematic campaign of psychological warfare.

It started small. A paper jam here, a "low toner" warning there. Annoying, but not alarming. Then the pattern emerged.

The printer ONLY malfunctions when I have an important deadline. Never during casual use. Never when I'm printing recipes. Only when my boss is waiting. Only when the client is watching. Only when it can cause maximum humiliation.

Coincidence? I thought so too, until The Incident.

Last Tuesday, I needed 50 copies for a board meeting. I pressed print. The printer made a sound I can only describe as "mocking laughter." Then it printed my divorce papers from 2019. I didn't even know those were still in the system. I definitely didn't select them.

The board members were confused. HR was contacted. My ex-wife somehow found out.

Explain that, science.

I've named the printer "Chad" because it gives off strong "guy who peaked in high school" energy. Chad knows what he did. Chad knows what he's doing.

I've started taking my documents to Kinko's. It's a 30-minute drive. It's worth it. Chad can't reach me there.

Or can he?